Navigating Grief: A Personal Journey Through Loss

 It’s around 5:30 in the evening, and I’m heading home after a successful “baby catching” event for a colleague. My phone rings, and it’s my cousin. He asks if I’ve spoken to Mum. I respond, “No, why? Is something wrong?” He hangs up abruptly. I try calling back, but there’s no answer. My senses immediately go on high alert.

That Friday, I had planned to attend church for our usual end-of-month prayers. As we began to pray, I felt a profound heaviness settle over me. I whispered a quiet prayer, “God, I don’t know what’s coming, but please grant me the strength to face it.” I settled into my seat, waiting for our pastor’s sermon. Known for his fiery delivery, our pastor preaches with such intensity that each sermon feels like it could be his last.

Tonight’s sermon was about “Four Days Late,” focusing on the story of Lazarus and the idea that even when life’s events seem delayed, God can still bring them back to life. As I listened intently, someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to step outside. The messenger, with a somber tone, said, “I love you, but I have some difficult news.” In that moment, my mind flashed back to my cousin’s call and the uneasy feeling I’d had earlier.

The news was devastating: Dad had passed away. The world as I knew it shattered. I had loved my dad with all my heart.

Dad was my greatest supporter, the one who constantly reminded me of my worth and made me feel validated without needing anyone else’s approval. Now, I was left grappling with questions—how, where, and what happened. I learned that Dad had been traveling, had stopped to wait for his siblings, and then suddenly collapsed and passed away.

The days that followed were filled with intense pain—pain from not being able to say goodbye, pain from the harsh reality of his absence, and fear of what lay ahead. I immersed myself in every sermon about Lazarus I could find, trying to understand the strange coincidence of hearing such a sermon on that day. Amid the well-meaning clichés offered to the grieving, the one statement from a friend that has sustained me is, “Your dad has died, but God hasn’t. He is still your Father.”

A year has now passed. A year of disbelief and profound sorrow. They say time heals all wounds, but it feels like time has only allowed me to cry in private and maintain a brave front in public. This year has brought triumphs, yet the emptiness remains because Dad was always the first person I called with good news. Now, every piece of good news is a reminder of his absence. My birthdays, once marked by his song and a “chicken” on Mpesa, now serve as reminders of what I’ve lost. But c'est la vie...

Through it all, I’ve learned to take it one day at a time, offering myself grace on the tough days, and holding onto the hope that someday, I might find peace.

Why am I sharing this personal story on my blog? Because I’ve come to realize that even those of us who seem strong and professional face profound loss and grief. It’s okay to feel deeply, to cry, and to acknowledge your pain. It doesn’t make you any less human.

Have you experienced grief? How did you cope?

Lady, You are Enough

Today , as we commemorate International Women's Day, I thought of asking this  one question that has been lingering on my mind for a while now, are we ever enough? Here is why I ask that:

The other day as I sat to have my brows trimmed, a lady walked in and commented  "wow you have such lovely bushy (or did she say voluminous eyebrows),  if I had such I would never trim them".  Then I  remembered,  long ago  I  didn't use to trim them until when people commented that they were too bushy.Nothing wrong with trimming eyebrows, but if the reason  is to be enough,then there is a challenge.

Those that know me know that I am not "physically endowed" I learnt this body type is called ectomorphs (finally  i get somewhere to use my newly learnt word🤣) By and large , I am okay with my body size. Yet time and again, I interact with people that remind me that I need to be weighing more, at my age. Then others tell me they wish they could weigh what I weigh. The irony, I have observed,  is the small want to be bigger,  the bigger want to be smaller.

For some time now I  have wished I had a deeper voice to compensate for my petite body, just so that I can be "more enough".  

I ask again,  are we ever enough? Who set the imaginary weight that we should weigh? Who set some of these standards that we all are trying to achieve? The unnecessary reminders that we are not  good/beautiful/light/dark /tall/all the bla bla bla enough?

I have nothing against becoming a better version of yourself, by all means,  be better tomorrow than today. However, looking at some of the absurd things happening in our society lately, many ladies (and maybe men) are struggling to be enough, to fit in, to be more acceptable to peers. If our self development  is for us to fit into some imaginary bracket of "this is how we should be by now", then there is a problem. 

On this Women's Day,  I thought to remind you ( and myself)  that you and I are enough. God made you fearfully and wonderfully. He knows you by name, you are engraved on the palm of His hands. He upholds you with His righteous right hand, you are His, you are loved, you are enough. Don't waste all your life trying to be "enough" You already are. In the end, what matters most is your identity in God, not the jury of public opinion. 

Cover Other's Nakedness

I have not dropped any ink yet, this year, so allow me to say Happy New Year. I trust your year has started well  and that you are hopeful about the year ahead.

Today I would like to take a moment to reflect on Genesis 9: 22-23 that reckons:

"Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father naked and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father’s naked body. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father naked".

As I read through the verses, I couldn't help but draw similarities about how sometimes as a society, we do not so well at covering one another's nakedness. How often do we broadcast other people's failings to the entire world? Perhaps with the expectation that it will make us feel better? How often do we watch people we know go through embarrassing moments, but rather than helping them, we gossip to other friends about how so and so is this and that nowadays? 

Our modern day version of Ham is to some extent depicted in how we use our phones. When we see an incident, rather than going forward to support the person in need, we take photos and share to all social media sites. Reminds me of a story of the journalist who was covering some news in a time of drought and famine, and rather than giving a dying child food, he decided to capture the moment when the vulture was snatching the child, this was a perfect shot that earned him accolades world over, until someone asked him why it didn't cross his mind to help the child. Unfortunately, he committed suicide at the realization of what he had done.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

As the year begins, I beseech you to cover others nakedness. Don't expose their shame and shortcomings to the entire world. If a friend is in trouble, just help them. Drop the phone, no need to capture their moment of weakness, just help them. Simple.

This Monster Called Fear

 As human beings, we fear many things, some fears are valid, like fear of wild animals, fear of accidents and of harmful things. However today I would like to write about the fear of others’ opinions, the fear of judgement, the fear that we are not good enough.

This has been largely a year where I have tried to intentionally “feel the fear but do it anyway”. It is the year that I have deliberately worn shoes that were obviously bigger than me, afraid, but I wore them anyway.

As the year began, I promised myself that when I am about to say no to a challenge, and realize that the no is informed by fear, I will quickly say yes and figure out later. This has landed me in many adrenaline moments, but it is in these moments that I have learnt and grown the most. Has this been easy? Absolutely not. There are times I have committed to do something and on the material morning, I have woken up shivering, wondering what I got myself into, and wished I could call in sick and cancel the commitment. Yet every time I have been bold enough to face the fears, I have later wondered, what was so hard?

In Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”. I have known this to be true. That application that you fear, that presentation, that audience you are worried if they will give an ear, that girl you are scared will turn down your proposal, that huge assignment that you are scared of failing, remember, you can do it through Christ. So, forge ahead with all the assurance that Christ is backing you up and You can do it. I am reminded of the many times the Bible commands us to Fear Not. You have been commanded to not be afraid, so don't be afraid.

You see, friends, it is easy to coil ourselves and be crippled by fear to the extent to never get to know the beauty of what would have been if we were not too afraid. Lately I like to ask, “what is the worst that could happen?” If the answer is not death, then I have no reason to be too afraid.

Have I conquered fear completely? Madam Fearless huh?! Absolutely not, If anything, as I write this, I am afraid that you might read this and disregard me as a not good enough writer. I am afraid of a huge assignment coming up in two weeks, but I will do it scared. I will feel the fear, but I will do it anyway. See you on the other side of fear.

The Shirt He Never Wore

Today marks exactly 2 months since dad rested. I had never  for a second imagined that one day I would wake up with a father on earth and go to bed, the same day, with the father in heaven. Like how can that happen? Anyway c'est  la vie.

Whenever I visited a new place, I loved to get either a shirt or pairs of shoes for dad. On 12th July, my birthday, I  visited a textile factory and I saw this beautiful "uhuru" shirt which I thought would look so good on dad. As was the norm, I got one for him.  I had intentions to travel home on 26th August so I thought,  maybe I should deliver it personally.  Then, on 25th August Boom! I get the shocking news that dad is gone. Gone gone,  never  to return. 

My siblings were gracious enough to allow for dad to be buried in that shirt. However, in the days leading to the burial, as I stared at the shirt, I wished dad had gotten to wear that shirt  because in heaven they don't wear shirts. Don't ask me what they wear. It pained me so much (it still does) that I delayed to deliver the shirt to him before his resting. I still imagine how good he would have looked in that pattern.

The Bible records in Psalm 90:12, David asks God  "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom". In the recent days as I have meditated on this verse, I have found myself  adding, " Lord teach me to number my days, and those of my loved ones, because I do not know how much time any of us have".

Truth is, earth is not our home we are just passers-by,  or sojourners  as some like to say it. Some will sojourn for longer than others. Death is a cruel monster who knows no courtesy. Tomorrow is not promised for you or any of your loved ones. The least  you  can do is to live well with people or as the famous quote says' Do the good you can for all the people you can, as long as you can.

One thing I find most comforting as I mourn dad, is he lived his life to the full. He touched every life he could, and to him it mattered not the age, gender or societal status.  It gave him so much fulfilment to see others happy and to help wherever and whenever he could. 

Last weekend as I attended another burial, the same message was preached. Sometimes we buy flowers, shirts and drive the dead in big expensive cars, gifts, and accolades  they never got to enjoy while they lived, just to soothe the conscience. The preacher emphasized the need to "Buy flowers, and gifts for the living, tell all the nice things to the living instead of writing them in the eulogy"

I didn't mean to make you sad, I just thought you could live your best life now and that today sounds like a good day to express your appreciation to your family and friends. We are on borrowed time. Tomorrow may be too late, just maybe.

Alone But Not Alone_ Reflections from Grief

After a long hiatus of 'running out of ink', today I decided to pick up my pen and test if it still writes after my "Inkdrops of Hope" book.  Well, not quite, I just thought dad would be happy to see me writing again. So here goes my attempt to make daddy in heaven proud while he watches and cheers on.

It is exactly 52 days since daddy rested abruptly and God knows how tough this season has been. I have daily wished I would wake up and find that it was just a dream that ends. Some days good as I remember the many lives he touched and shaped. Some days sad as I remember that I am alone facing this difficult, tough and unforgiving world. As I watched daddy go down the grave, I felt like I was on my own. "Me against the world" almost literally.

Reality dawned when everyone left the burial and went back to their respective homes. Silence engulfed our home and the birds also seemed to have gone on a break from chirping.

The weeks that followed the burial were an unwelcome reminder.  I realized we are cultured to avoid the grieving for fear that they may cry and we will not be sure what to do with them. With  time, I have learnt to perfect the art of putting myself together until I can get to the next available washroom where I can cry without making people around uncomfortable. It has worked well. But a shoulder to lean on is definitely better than a toilet seat. Well, I have had some shoulders and I am grateful for them, but probably we can do better at supporting the grieving. Not by avoiding them but by being closer, because grief is not contagious. Words may lack but sometimes presence is sufficient.

Grief has taught me that I have a father in heaven, who is actually my father's father. This has been the most comforting reality. A reminder from above that though alone, I am not alone. I have a  Father who art in heaven. I am slowly learning to ask God directly, the things that I would have asked dad. 

To anyone going through grief, I pray you find the comfort in knowing that though separated from your loved one physically, you are not on your own. Your Father in heaven is watching over you and it shall be well. The Bible says Tell the righteous it shall be well with them, ( it may not be well now, but it shall be well) I am not there yet, but I know, It shall be well, in due time. In the meantime, You are not alone.Hugs.

I AM WITH YOU

Covid-19 continues  to bite us hard as a country. For the last few months  we have been hoping  for the best  while  expecting the worst, as the cases continue to soar. For most, life has taken a turn never imagined leading to a lot of distress 

Over these covid months, there are two scriptures that have really been ringing on my mind John 16:33 which says

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]

In Isaiah 43: 2 God says 

But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:1‭-‬2 NIV

When i translate  these verses into loose Swahili, its even clearer to me"Kwa hii dunia mtakua na mashida mingi, mtapita kwa moto na mito, but nikona nyinyi"

God does not deny the existence of pain, distress and tribulation  in this world. But He promises  to walk with us through  it all.

 

In this Covid season it is easy to despair and feel like we are alone; but I would like to encourage  you that God is with us, and He will see us through  to the end. Times  are tough,  but our God is tougher